Top List Thursdays – Top 15 Things That Hollywood Has Taught Me

I have no idea how many movies I’ve seen in my life. I’d be guessing somewhere between a crapload and fun-tonne. And while some may say that all that movie watching has rotted my brain until it resembles week old broccoli, I’d like to think it’s actually expanded my understanding of life, the universe and everything else. Also, explosions. It’s expanded my understanding of explosions.

So allow me to drop some knowledge into your forebrains as I share a fraction of what I’ve learned from those storytellers in Hollywood.

That’s nice of him

Except for the whole wanting to turn your organs into a red mist thing, bomb makers are pretty nice guys. I know this, because why else would every single one of them always put a handy display on the front of all their bombs telling the good guys exactly how much time they have left to defuse it?

These dogs ain’t made for eating

So you’re a cop and you’re having a bit a of a boring day. Want something exciting to happen? Then it’s simple: buy a hot dog at a street vendor, preferably with “the works”, and just give it a few bites. I can guarantee that before you finish that dog, your police radio will be screeching like crazy – Hell, a perp might even run right by you – prompting you to just ditch your heartburn on a bun.

Why, I would imagine that the streets of Los Angeles have a layer of spent shell casings and half eaten hot dogs that reach up to your shins.

Sorry we’re late guys

Maybe all their watches are running slow, maybe they always obey the speed limit, or maybe they’re just using Apple Maps. Whatever the reason, no matter how much of an audible and visible mess you make while battling the bad guy – there could be explosions, car pile ups, hell, even dinosaurs – the cops will always show up right after everything has been cleared up, and they’re really not needed any more.

You can always go lower

Gear Shifting – The Fast and The Furious

Racing against some guy in your shiny new sports car, but he’s starting to pull ahead? No stress, just gear down and watch your car rocket forward. And then when he gets close, gear down again. And again. And again. Don’t worry, your car has a 34 speed gearbox!

What’s taking that money so long?

I’ve been using EFT’s for a number of years, but apparently I’m doing it wrong. You see when I transfer money to somebody, I shouldn’t just be clicking a button and watching money disappear from my account and appear in another. No, the correct way to do it, is to transfer the electronic equivalent of a single dollar, one at a time, with a glacially paced progress bar on screen to tell me how many dollars I’ve now moved.

Don’t worry, you’ll fit

If I should ever be in a hostage situation in a building, there’s only one thing to do: climb into an air vent. It doesn’t matter that I’m a 6ft2 half-cave troll, beast of a man, the air vents are big enough to take me.

Now don’t everybody get up at once

Horribly outnumbered in a street fight? No need to panic, you’ll get through this. Because no combatant, no matter how dastardly and cruel he/she might have appeared just a few minutes ago, would ever stoop so low as to actually use their superior numbers to their advantage. No, instead they will each take turns (I’m guessing they drew lots earlier in the evening to determine the order) to attack you, while their buddies shadowboxed menacingly.

Lights are overrated

Despite what logic, your brain, your eyes and life has taught you, when you step into a dimly lit room/building to look for somebody/something, you should never switch on the lights. No, instead use a torch, as the 3ft diameter pool of weak light it produces will act as a focal point for all your powers of observation.

Sorry, but you’re going to die

Did you just cough and/or have a nose bleed? Hate to break it you, but you’ve got an inoperable brain tumor. Or ebola. Or some rare deadly plague you contracted from petting that rhesus monkey you found in the jungle. No, it’s not just the heat or something stuck in your throat. It’s the black plague ebola whooping cough tumor of certain death. Trust me.

On the plus side, you can now probably move things with your mind and/or see into the future. The future where you die.

Michael Bay’s dream job

If you’re one of those people that get your jollies from general mayhem and destruction, then there’s only one job for you: Police officer. It doesn’t matter that you’ve just turned half the city into the Gaza strip on a bad day, as long as you catch your perp, nobody is ever going to mention it again.

Trust everybody

You may not know this, but I’ve learned that all cars made since the 1950’s automatically lock their own doors, so no matter how rough a neighbourhood you find yourself  in, there is never ever a need for you to lock them yourself. When the car is unattended, that is. Because when there’s actually somebody sitting inside the car to watch over it, that’s when you need to turn that sucker into Fort Knoxx.

Bad telephone etiquette

Your parents were wrong. Nobody actually likes it when you say “Hello” when answering the telephone, or asking somebody to hold on while you go get who they’re asking for. And actually saying “goodbye” after the conversation has ended? Only losers do that. Real men just stop talking and hang up the phone!

Bring it on forever

Ladies, do you like clothes? Do you like trying on different wardrobes to reflect your ever changing personality? Of course, you do, right? Well then here’s a pro-tip: Never ever become a high school cheerleader. Unless it’s a prom, you will never again be allowed to wear any other outfit. Ever. You will be buried in primary coloured skorts and a sleeveless top with your high school’s initials on them.

A whole new world

See all those words and pictures in front of you right now? That’s not the internet. Not the real one anyway. The real internet consists of rendered, glow-in-the-dark, city like structures that you “fly” through using Cyclops’ sunglasses and an old Nintendo Power Glove (Teenage Angelina Jolie sold separately).

Keyboard = God

So you’re what might be called an IT guru, a hacker even. First thing’s first, throw out your mouse. You’re never using that ridiculous pointing device again. No, you have the power of the almighty keyboard. And your fingers will be a blur as they fly across it with godlike speed, randomly tapping keys on the entire length and width of the keyboard. Also, while all of this is happening your 13 screens will just contain a never ending scroll of random numbers, letters and schematics and all your frantic keyboard bashing won’t actually have any visual representation anywhere until you eventually stop typing to bash the enter key with all your might and voila!  You’ve found the mythical backdoor into the Department of Defense’s triple fire-walled mainframe.

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About The Author

Hello ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped watching horrible Michael Bay movies, he could be as much of a hardcore film geek as me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a South African movie blog with the man your man could be as big a film geek as. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It’s a warm box of freshly popped popcorn, butter melted awesomeness wafting in your face just like you like. Look again, the popcorn is now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man stops watching Michael Bay movies. I’m on a horse.

  • http://twitter.com/NukuNukuDash Tracy Benson

    Two things I learned from Hollywood:
    1 – duvets are always L shaped, no matter what they always cover the woman up to the armpits, but the man only up to the waist.
    2 – If you have something important to say to a main character, you can only ever say it to the back of their head. For dramatic effect, they will never be facing you, always away from you.

  • Noelle Adams

    Some things Hollywood has taught me:

    1) Curtains are overrated.

    2) Never trust that you’ve killed the bad guy the first time. He/she will revive for one last shot at villainy.

    3) To go from ugly to stunning, you just have to remove your glasses, wear something figure-hugging and style your hair.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kervyn-Cloete/610830836 Kervyn Cloete

      Pony-tail = ugly. Loose hair = stunning.